


Captain America vs. Christmas

by avenging_cap



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: All Caps Secret Santa Fic Swap, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Christmas Angst, Christmas Fluff, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 21:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8912314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avenging_cap/pseuds/avenging_cap
Summary: Prompt: Steve vs Christmas, more specifically Christmas dinner, though decorations and wrapping presents are all a bit of a struggle. All for Bucky's first Christmas after HYDRA and just tries to make everything perfect. Meanwhile, Tony had the whole thing on security camera and Bucky watches the whole thing





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Crafty_Cracker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Crafty_Cracker/gifts).



> I went a little crazy with this, as I wanted it to be a full sized work, but I hope you love it!

Just as Steve places the ham in the oven, the doorbell rings, and his stomach drops. It’s only 5:00. The other Avengers were supposed to come over at 6:00 for dinner. Did he tell them the wrong time?

Steve walks to the door feeling as though he’s already ruined the most important Christmas ever.

It’s the first Christmas since they saved Bucky from HYDRA. It was hard enough when Bucky decided he didn’t want to live with Steve in his Brooklyn apartment, but rather at Avengers Tower, where he felt safer. Bucky didn’t want to have to worry about his own security anymore. It made sense, Steve had insisted to himself. The Tower had high tech security and JARVIS and all the other Avengers there to keep him safe. Deep down, Steve knew he should be happy that Bucky was safe, too. But he wasn’t.

He wasn’t, and it was because there was only one Avenger that should have mattered to Bucky, and that was Steve. Apparently Bucky didn’t miss Steve enough to stay with him. Steve had no idea how much Bucky even remembered from their childhood, but Steve remembered a lot. He wasn’t sure if Bucky remembered all of the Christmases that they tried to make special. He wasn’t sure if Bucky remembered the times when they had nothing on Christmas. One thing that Steve was sure about was that he had missed Bucky. He still does, even on this Christmas day.

Steve opens the door hesitantly, worried about what he’ll find on the other side. At the last moment, his heart soars when he realizes it could be Bucky waiting there on the doorstep for him, offering his help.

Instead, it’s Natasha, smacking her gum impatiently and tapping her phone incessantly with her blood red nails.

“Nat?” Steve asks slowly.

“Is there anything you need help with?” She doesn’t look up from her phone.

“Honestly, yes, but I kind of wanted to do this on my own.”

“And why’s that?” This time, she juts out her hip and smirks up at Steve like she knows something he doesn’t. Which she probably does, but still.

“To prove to myself I could. And for…” _Bucky_. He doesn’t admit this out loud, though.

“For?” Natasha presses on. She knows exactly what she’s doing to Steve and seems pretty happy about it.

“For it to be a surprise! For you guys. I don’t want to give away how amazing the decorations are.” He supplies quickly. “I mean, I know it’s probably a lot better at the tower, but…”

Natasha looks past Steve into the foyer and smiles. Not her sassy smile or her scary smile, but her real smile. The one that very few people ever get to see. “No, I think that yours will be just fine. More authentic, homey. I wouldn’t worry if I were you.”

Steve smiles and closes his eyes for a moment, grateful for her praise. When he opens his eyes, Natasha is gone. _Back to work._

* * *

 

Bucky squeals and covers his eyes as light shines into his dark room.

“Why do you have the lights off, Barnes?” It’s Natasha’s voice.

“Why are you here?” He swivels around in his chair, away from the computer.

“Just went to Steve’s.” She sits down on the floor in front of him.

“And I care about this because?” Bucky sighs.

“Because he’s your oldest and best friend? Because you haven’t seen him in weeks? Because you’re going to his house for Christmas tonight?” Nat pauses for a moment before continuing. “And mainly because you’ve been watching security footage of his house for this whole month.”

Bucky’s glad it’s dark because he can feel his eyes bug out of his head.

“That’s because…” He struggles with a good answer that Natasha won’t see right through.

Nat just laughs and stands up. “You’re worried about him, I know. I think this is some weird coping mechanism for you too. You’ve had less bad days this month.”

“It’s nice to see him,” he chokes out.

Natasha sighs. “More than that. It’s easier with him, isn’t it? You feel better with his support.”

Bucky can feel tears coming.

“You haven’t felt his support in a while. Not since before the train.” She supplies.

“Jesus, Nat. Thanks for the psychoanalysis. Have you been talking to Sam?”

“Maybe.” She looks about as guilty as she’s capable of being. Her poker face is hard to read and harder to crack, but with her friends, she lets her guard down more.

“Can you just leave me alone until it’s time to go?” Bucky’s facing the computer now, not even looking at her.

“Yeah.”

Bucky waits until she leaves to start crying. Mentions of the train and everything pre-winter soldier are still tough for him. To make matters worse, he sees Steve pick up a photo of them and smile fondly. It’s one from before the war and Bucky’s surprised that Steve has it.

Suddenly, Steve yells and runs to the kitchen. He’s left the vegetables in for too long. Steve looks absolutely devastated. “This Christmas was supposed to be perfect.” It’s almost too quiet for the microphone to pick up, but it’s there.

Bucky just puts his head in his hands. He’s been watching Steve get ready for Christmas all month.

It started when Tony came in and dumped off the laptop, telling Bucky that he could watch the footage from the newly installed Stark security cameras. Tony had said it was so Bucky could make sure Steve was okay, but he knew Bucky really wanted to see Steve.

When he first got back, a life with Steve just didn’t seem possible. He wasn’t sure if his memories were real or made up. But now, Bucky was just starting to really remember the things he’d loved, and still loved, about Steve. Along with the security footage, these thoughts were becoming unbearable. Bucky was filled with doubt and longing. Still, Bucky tried to convince himself that he’d made the right decision. Steve would notice all the ways that Bucky was different, he told himself, and honestly, Bucky did feel safer in the Tower. So, at the Tower he’d stay.

At first, it really was just Bucky checking in on Steve. And then one night, he caught Steve dragging boxes out of his closet. He was mesmerized as Steve began to decorate his apartment for Christmas.

It should have been easy for him, given all his strength, but it turned out to be a struggle.

Steve took two hours to put up his artificial Christmas tree. Later, Nat filled him in and told Bucky that Steve still claimed to be allergic to trees even after the serum. She admitted that she believed it was probably just out of familiarity and tradition that he got a fake tree.

He smiled when he had finished putting it up, but did look a little somber as he put up the decorations all alone. A voice in Bucky’s head told him that he should have been there with Steve, but he still stood by his hope that he was making the right decision.

At the end of the decorating, Steve pulled out a stepstool to put the star on the tree, wincing as his head hit the ceiling. Old habits really do die hard. So, without the stepstool, Steve placed the star on top of the tree, and then went to bed.

The next morning, Bucky had woken with a jolt as Steve blasted Christmas music. He seemed to be in a better mood today as he finished up his decorations. It really did look amazing. Not a single surface was left untouched; there were bows on the door handles and ornaments hanging from light fixtures. It was personal yet tasteful, detailed but not tacky.

In Bucky’s opinion, it was _so_ much better than the decorations at Avengers Tower. The Tower was like something out of a magazine. With professionals decorating, it lacked any connection to the Avengers or their families whatsoever. It had as much meaning as a Macy’s display. This, of course, angered Bucky. He couldn’t help but be upset by the extravagance of Tony’s decorators. Bucky had started to complain, but was cut off when Tony scoffed at his opening statement.

“We get it, you lived through the Great Depression. You and Steve didn’t have a lot of money,” Tony had grumbled.

“I didn’t say anything about Steve.” Bucky was taken aback.

“Yeah, but it was coming, right? Some story about how you and Steve decorated with popcorn and that was all you could afford, or how you chopped down the one tree on your lawn for Christmas one year because you wanted to make Steve happy?” Tony couldn’t keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Steve would have been allergic to the tree,” Bucky corrected in a small voice.

Tony just threw up his arms and stormed away.

In consequence, Bucky was stuck in the Tower with the over the top decorations. That was most likely part of the reason he had started to spend his time looking in on Steve’s small home. Every night since Steve had decorated, Bucky watched him dash around his apartment.

Steve spent hours wrapping gifts, and even more hours unwrapping them when he didn’t feel they were perfect or realized he had left the price on it. He almost always got tape stuck to him or even a bow or a label. At these moments, Bucky would smile fondly at the laptop, a familiar yet forgotten warmth spreading through his chest.

Even the food had to be perfect. He’d been practicing the menu for tonight for the whole month. He made a fancy salad and had done a happy dance when it had tasted great. One night, he announced to his empty house that he had made “the perfect green bean,” and best of all, he made cookies that looked like they came from a bakery.

Not everything he made worked out so well, though. Last week, for example, he burned soup. “How was I supposed to know,” he yelled, this time into his phone, probably to Sam, “that you don’t put soup on high!” A whole host of other foods were laid to rest in the Rogers trash can; whole chickens, instant mac and cheese, and even desserts that looked as if nothing were wrong with them.

Now, Bucky is shaken out of his thoughts by a strange sound coming from the screen. It’s strangely familiar, but Bucky just can’t place it. When he realizes what it is, he immediately wishes he hadn’t. It’s Steve, crying and trying to hide it. It’s the same way he would cry after being beaten up by someone when he was a child, Bucky realizes. The way he’d cry when he knew that person was never going to stop being disgusting and awful. He wants to reach through the screen to hug Steve and tell him that this Christmas will be perfect, but he can’t.

Tears are just beginning to form in Bucky’s eyes when JARVIS calls to him. “Mr. Barnes, Mr. Stark wants you downstairs for a moment. He says to be ready to go to Steve’s just in case it takes a long time.”

“I’ll be there in a second,” Bucky replies, the tears showing through his voice.

“No problem, sir.”

Bucky wipes his eyes and shuts his laptop just a bit too hard. It probably wouldn’t be a bad thing if he had broken it. Turning on the light, Bucky looks in the mirror. His hair is a mess, and his eyes look as though he’s been crying. Bucky sighs as he puts on his Avengers Ugly Christmas Sweater that matches the ones the other Avengers will be wearing. Pepper got them for a promotional thing, or something like that.

“What the fuck.” Bucky looks worse than the Grinch, which isn’t too far off, really, since he’s always disliked Christmas (He can hear Tony adding, Great Depression, of course). He grabs his gift for Steve and heads to the elevator. He hadn’t bothered to get gifts for the other Avengers; none of them seemed to like him much anyways. Bucky had hoped to ride the elevator down in one last moment of peace, but of course there is someone inside already as the doors open.

“Heyo, Bucko!” It’s Clint, who Bucky equally loves and hates.

“How’s it going?” Bucky manages as he clambers into the elevator.

“Man, who died? I’ve never seen someone so depressed while wearing a Christmas sweater.” Clint rolls his eyes.

“Well, this is the ugliest Christmas sweater I’ve ever seen, so there’s that.”

“That’s the point, Bucko!” Clint laughs and punches Bucky’s arm. Of course, he hits Bucky’s left arm so it’s a lot more painful for Clint than Bucky.

The doors open just as Clint lets out a wail. “Did you guys know that punching a metal arm really hurts?” He whines when he sees Tony’s confused face.

“It is made out of vibranium.” Bucky supplies, trying to make Clint feel better.

“You don’t have to make excuses for him; we all know Barton is a weak son of a bitch.” Tony seems unmoved by the whole affair.

“Why did you need me?” Bucky changes the subject.

“I figured you’d need some help getting ready,” seeing Bucky’s incredulous expression, he corrects, “Pepper thought you’d need some help. Clearly, she was right. No offense.”

Bucky just sighs. Pepper means well, but she’s been a little overprotective of Bucky since he moved here. Which, of course, he appreciates. It’s just a lot to deal with sometimes. Like now.

“Then why is Clint here?” Bucky hopes it won’t be a group makeover session.

“I like to be early.” He says, plopping himself on the floor and pulling out his phone.

With that, Bucky is ushered away for his Christmas makeover.

When he heads up to Tony’s suite, Pepper is waiting for him.

“Oh dear, you do need some help.” Her eyes resemble the look of someone who is seeing a wounded puppy up for adoption.

“Do I, really?” Bucky looks in the mirror. Here, where the lighting is much better, he can see himself more clearly.

His hair is a long and choppy mess that hangs in his face. Not in the attractive, mysterious way, but in the creepy, grimy way. There are dark circles under his eyes from late nights spent monitoring Steve’s apartment, and his beard has grown far beyond its usual stubble.

“Okay, yeah. I do.” Bucky gives Pepper the go-ahead and she gets to work.

Within the hour, she has washed Bucky’s hair and given it a little trim so it looks more alive. Once it is prepped to her liking, Pepper pulls it up into a bun and leaves a few strands out near his face.

“He looks like an angry hipster.” Tony points out.

“I think he looks perfect.” Pepper smiles at Bucky in the mirror.

Next, she gives Bucky a razor and shaving cream to shave his beard with, and he leaves the bathroom looking much more fresh than before.

Finally, she dabs a bit of concealer under his eyes to make him look a little more awake.

“It’s time for the big reveal!!” Pepper is practically bouncing in excitement.

By now, most of the Avengers that live in the Tower are gathered in the lobby, and when the elevator doors open, there is a sigh let out by the crowd. Clint claps him on the back, saying, “You look hot man.” He gets high fives from Sam and Natasha and a bear hug from Thor.

“Okay, enough fuss. Let’s get to Steve’s.” Bucky tries to hide his blush, but without his long hair, there’s nowhere for him to hide. He’s starting to rethink this whole bun thing.

Looking around at the superfluous decorations of the Tower, Bucky can’t help but long for the quaint decorating of Steve’s apartment. With all this fuss over his new look, he’s starting to feel a little over-done himself.

They all climb into one of Tony’s limos and begin the short drive to Steve’s apartment in Brooklyn. Everyone talks and laughs, but Bucky can’t help but feel a little left out. Sure, Sam and Nat are talking to him, but he doesn’t really have as many shared experiences with the other Avengers as they do.

Now, Tony and Bruce are talking about one particular mission they went on, and everyone is laughing and adding in their own memories of it. Bucky isn’t sure what to do. The only real experience with any of them that he has is from DC. And what’s he supposed to say about that, “Hey guys, remember that time I tried to kill you? Wasn’t that fun!”

Bucky isn’t feeling very good by the time he exits the limo and starts up the stairs to Steve’s walkup. There are Christmas lights on one of the balconies, Bucky notices absentmindedly. Part of him wonders if they are Steve’s.

Thor knocks on the door (not really knocks, more just slams his fist into it) and Steve opens it, all smiles. His Avengers Christmas sweater is a little tight on him, like all of his clothes, but he still pulls it off impeccably. Bucky’s starting to feel a little self-conscious about his baggy sweater and ripped jeans.

Steve’s eyes grow large as they land on his, causing Bucky to tuck a piece of hair behind his ear like an embarrassed teenager.

Everyone hugs as they make their way through Steve’s door. Bucky goes last, and he feels like his hug may have been just a little longer.

The party is almost uneventful; the Avengers, minus Tony, gush over Steve’s decorations, Steve apologizes for the state of the food even though it is perfectly fine, and when Steve fired up the karaoke machine, Wanda and Natasha sing a soulful rendition of _Who Run the World (Girls)_ that has everyone on their feet. However, when Sam starts to sing both parts of _Baby It’s Cold Outside_ , the karaoke machine is promptly fired _off_.

As the night is winding down, and everyone is lounging on the couch with drinks in their hands, Bucky finds himself standing in a far-off corner. He knows he could go over and talk to them; after living with them for months he should have made a few more friends than just Sam and Natasha (and Clint, if he even counts). They’re only friends with him because they have to be, after everything they’ve been through together, which still isn’t that much.

Bucky jumps when someone puts their hand on his shoulder.

“What’re you doing over here, Buck?” Steve’s looking up at him from under his eyelashes, as he does.

“More like what are you doing over here, punk?” Bucky dodges the question. “The last time I saw you, you were in a heated argument with Tony.”

Steve’s face grows alarmingly more serious. “That’s something for another day. Definitely not Christmas Day.”

Bucky nods, worried he’s said the absolute wrong thing and ruined this whole conversation.

“But really, what are you doing in the corner by yourself?”

“I dunno….” He trails off. He knows Steve knows exactly what he’s doing in the corner.

Steve’s smile is sympathetic without being pitying. “Here,” he hands Bucky one of the mugs he’s holding.

“Thanks. Did you put – “

“One creamer, marshmallows, and cinnamon in it?” Steve interrupts, almost blushing at his own force. “Of course I remember how you like your hot chocolate.”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say, so he just takes a silent sip. He thought he could lose his feelings for Steve by living away from him, but five minutes with Steve had proved him wrong.

“I really enjoyed dinner; the food was really good and everyone was nice.” Bucky says earnestly.

“Really? Thank you.” When Steve says thank you, you can always tell he means it. Bucky is about to blush and walk away when Steve continues.

“Do you want to go outside for a minute? I’ve been dying to get away from everyone.” There is a hint of something in his voice that Bucky recognizes in his own.

“Yeah, that’d be great.” Bucky hopes that his thankfulness shows through his voice; unlike Steve, he never sounds sincere.

He’s been desperate for a way to escape everyone for the whole night. He won’t admit it to himself, but he’s also been desperate for some time with Steve, away from other people’s influences.

Steve leads him out through the window and onto his balcony, and Bucky is astonished to see that his balcony is the one with the Christmas lights hanging on it. It’s cold, and Bucky is grateful for the hot chocolate’s warmth, and also for the balcony’s size. It’s big enough to fit them, but certainly not built large enough for two super-soldiers to have plenty of breathing room, so he and Steve are forced to stand relatively close together.

They’re silent for a while, neither of them knowing what to say or where to even begin. The silence isn’t awkward though; there is Christmas music filtering in from the window and it’s the silence of two old friends. They just happen to be really, really old.

“I know it’s Christmas, and you probably just want to be thinking about happy things right now, but something has been bugging me and I’ve just got to ask you.” He waits a moment so that Bucky can object. When he doesn’t, Steve continues, “Did you remember me, at all? In DC, I mean.”

Bucky sighs. This is a tough one. “I don’t remember a lot, Steve. I think I remembered you, on the bridge? I only know that because I remember a lot of pain after that, more than usual.” Steve winces at that. “But I know I remembered you when you fell. I think it was the words you said to me, something that I had said to you a long time ago. I don’t actually remember what they were, even now. I’ve been remembering things, but not necessarily in the right order.” It comes out apologetic.

“I’m with you till the end of the line. That was what I said. You told me that – “

“After your mother’s funeral. I think I remember that now.”

“I’m sorry, that remembering me caused you pain.” Steve manages.

“I’m sure it wasn’t the first time.” Bucky assures him. And it’s true; Bucky’s read his own file now, and there is a note saying ‘Use extra caution on July 4. Do not send the Asset on any missions on this day if possible. Use maximum security and do not let the Asset know what day it is.’ If Bucky remembers one thing, it’s that July 4 is Steve’s birthday. Even at his worst, he knew it was important.

Steve doesn’t look like he knows whether to be excited or upset by this news, so he changes the subject. “I can’t believe I just made you talk about this, on Christmas. I wanted this to be perfect, since it’s your first time back with me,” Steve catches himself, “with us. Us. I’ve messed up quite a few things today.”

“How come you always think you ruin things for me when you’ve actually only made them better? I’m sick of you taking the blame for me, Rogers. This was the best damn Christmas ever; the food, the decorations, the people. Being treated like a person instead of a weapon. That’s something I’m having trouble getting used to again.”

It was meant to be a joke, but Steve looks so pained by this that Bucky feels compelled to bring back some good memories. “I mean, nothing can beat the time we went sledding down that giant hill and you fought someone for throwing a snowball at a little girl. Your ma was so angry when you came home with a shiner on Christmas, of all days.”

“How do you remember that?”

“You’d be surprised by the things I remember. I don’t remember everything you’ve ever said to me, or how they turned me into this,” he gestures at his metal arm, “but I remember some little things like that. Small victories, am I right?”

“I think that’s a pretty big victory.” Steve has a funny look on his face.

Bucky doesn’t even realize that he and Steve have been staring at each other lovingly for who knows how long until he feels a drop of cold wetness on his nose. He automatically scans the area for threats as his whole body tenses.

“It’s just snow.” Steve places a hand on Bucky’s arm

“Merry Christmas, boys.” Natasha appears in the window, bearing gifts. Steve immediately moves his hand in embarrassment and attempts to cover it by reaching out for the presents. “Didn’t you mean to give these to each other?”

“Thanks Nat.” Bucky says, half embarrassed, half thankful. He turns to Steve and holds out his little wrapped box, which seems small in comparison to Steve’s bagged gift. “Here you go.”

“Oh, here’s yours.” Steve’s hand shakes as he hands over the bag. “Want to open them together?”

“Yeah.”

Hot chocolate forgotten, they tear open the presents.

Steve breaths out a sigh of wonder as he opens his gift. It’s a Christmas ornament of the two of them and the rest of the howling commandos. Bucky had to look practically everywhere to find it since it’s considered a Hallmark Classic Ornament.

At the same time, Bucky chokes back tears when he sees the framed photo of them. It’s the same one Steve has on his coffee table, the one he was looking at earlier, Bucky realizes. They look so _happy_. This moment was never meant to be caught on camera; they were only looking at each other. But now, Bucky is so glad it was.

“Stevie, this is…too much.” Bucky nearly gasps when he realizes it’s slipped out. He hasn’t called Steve that since…

“Before the war.” Steve finishes, reading Bucky’s mind. “You haven’t called me that since before the war.”

“It just slipped, this present is just so...perfect I couldn’t…”

“You don’t have to apologize. I can’t believe they make these.” Steve can’t take his eyes off the ornament.

“They didn’t make many. They sold out so fast they had to retire it to the vault.”

“How did you get it?”

“I know a guy.” Really, Bucky didn’t. It was damn hard for him to find it, and his only real advantage was that he _was_ Bucky Barnes.

“I’m going to go hang it up…” Steve turns around to climb through the window and inside to the tree when his head hits something.

Bucky’s grateful that the cold has kept his cheeks rosy because he blushes fiercely when he realizes it’s mistletoe. In reality, they could go through one at a time, but that plan is soiled as soon as a drunken Clint yells, “You’re supposed to kiss!!” Nat just smirks at them and mouths “It was me.”

Bucky looks up at Steve and into his deep blue eyes, and it’s like there is no time lost between them. That doesn’t make him rush into it, though. He’s not even sure that Steve likes him or has ever liked him like that. So, he moves closer to Steve, ever so slowly. Then he reaches out his arm to close the window, but Steve beats him to it.

“Maybe people these days can kiss with everyone in the world watching,” Steve laughs, thinking of the kiss cam he saw at a baseball game Sam dragged him to, “Call me old fashioned, but it’s not really my style.”

“Not mine either” Bucky breaths as Steve tangles his hands in his hair and pulls him close until their lips are just inches apart.

“Is this okay?” Steve asks sincerely.

“It’s been okay for ninety years, Stevie.” Bucky smiles as he closes the gap between them and finally, _finally_ kisses the love of his life, his soulmate, his best friend. He finally kisses Steve.

Steve pulls back, smiling, and presses his nose to Bucky’s.

“Merry Christmas.” Steve practically giggles.

“Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean I don’t get to yell at you for waiting so long to do that!” Bucky protests, but still doesn’t move away. He does, though, give Steve a soft punch on the arm.

“I could say the same thing about you.”

“Merry Christmas.” Bucky avoids having this argument with Steve, even though it’s a playful one. Now, Bucky moves away. “I’m cold. How about eating some cookies and cuddling?”

Steve already has the window open. “I’m way ahead of you. Together?” He holds out his hand for Bucky.

“Together.”

And if Tony cheers along with the rest of them when Steve and Bucky emerge through the window hand in hand, no one needs to know.

**Author's Note:**

> [Photo Inspiration for Balcony](http://hyokka.tumblr.com/post/154220561334/hey-tumblr-how-about-this-one) by [Hyokka on Tumblr](http://hyokka.tumblr.com/)


End file.
